I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She is in my trunk
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
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How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
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If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize