threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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