Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
In other news, I just burned my penis
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
