the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
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