she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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