She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
