Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
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I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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