I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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