I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
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He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
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i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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