i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Even my vagina gasped.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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