just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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