It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
