thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
