i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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