I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
