WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Randomize
