how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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