I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
