so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
