New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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