so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
