I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Randomize
