Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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