I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
