it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
