How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
