i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You dont lie about slip and slides
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
