I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
