He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
