yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Randomize
