Your face is a jimmy john
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
