i permit you to call me
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
