If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
