My hair reeks of homosexuality.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
