i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
