the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
