i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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