Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
