So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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