Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
