he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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