I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
