Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
