the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
