got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
