my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
