life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
honey bunches of taint.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
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