I'm lost and stupid without you.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
