Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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