My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
