while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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