I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
