Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
