You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
