Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
