hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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