I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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